How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
