my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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