Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
