the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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