Who did Billy Mays play for?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
