Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
