i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
