shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
