May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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