i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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