I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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