His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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