The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
