I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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