this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
