my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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