I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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