you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
