i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
