I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
my poor anus
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
