my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Randomize
