So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
