i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
