and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
