hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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