Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
we should paint friendship bongs
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