When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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