Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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