highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
