I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
