I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
