I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
