so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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