sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
