so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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