i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
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I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
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Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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