I hope mine doesn't look like that
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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