I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
