I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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