I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
