the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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