party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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