What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
where are my pants?
in the oven.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
