Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
