Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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