Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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