woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
