Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
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I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
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preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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