Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
