remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
