Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
