Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
