a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Randomize
