Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Randomize
