I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
