there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
