She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
