My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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