Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
